Chicken Thief
by jseywrites
Summary: Chickens are missing. Joxer is determined to solve the mystery, only to uncover the unexpected.


**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** A bit of humor. lol. Written via a prompt from _Xena Music Videos_ (fanforum). Enjoy! ;)

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><p>"Hey!" He exclaimed as an old woman with a large sack of potatoes rammed straight into him. His steel hat knocked crooked as he stumbled, trying to find his balance.<p>

"Watch where you're going, lady!" He called after her, tweaking his hat into position. Then, a poster caught his eyes. Most importantly, the large font that spelled "Reward". Interested, he made he way as manly as he can muster towards it. A blurred figure shot by in front of him and wedged himself between Joxer and the poster.

With a sigh, Joxer rested a hand on his hips and poked the man's shoulder with a finger.

"Excuse me," he cleared his throat. "But I believe it is rude to cut a queue."

The man swat at the finger that was poking him, then whirled around at the voice.

"You again!" The both of them said when they came face to face.

"What are you doing here?" Again, they demanded at the same time.

"I go where money goes," Autolycus said, a hand reaching up to his moustache subconsciously. "For I, am the King of Thieves." He flashed a charming smile that only received an eye roll from Joxer. "What are _you_ doing here?"

Joxer squinted at the smaller text below the heading. "Well, I, Joxer the MIghty-"

Autolycus scoffed.

"Am here to solve a murder."

Autolycus laughed. "You? Solve a murder? It's more likely you'll cause one unintentionally."

Joxer folded his hands over his chest and jerked his chin upwards. "And I was going to offer you a partnership."

"And split the reward with you? No thanks. Autolycus do not share."

With a huff, the both of them went separate ways-only to ram straight into each other while attempting to cross paths.

"Missing chickens in the village of Agora." Joxer read from the scribbles on a scroll where he scratched the words on. He rolled the scroll up and stuck it into his belt. "Well village of Agora," he said to himself, "Fear not for Joxer the Mighty will find your chickens!."

Joxer may be bad at many things, but he still has a bit of logic retained in him. He also overheard a few saying that the trails of missing chicken ended right in the village he came from. So he decided that trekking the straight path from there to Agora may give him some clues to solving the mystery. It's a 3-day walk, but Joxer was determined. He packed light, reasoning that if Xena and Gabrielle could do it, he could too.

**Day One**

The light was disappearing. Joxer decided to set up camp right underneath a strong enough tree. While he packed light, he absolutely forgot to bring at least a bed roll and even the thinnest blanket. He sighed, gathering sticks and leaves to set up a small fire, then curled up against the tree trunk. He hugged his bag close to his chest, cursing that if he hadn't packed apples, he might be able to use it as a cushion beneath his head. But no, he couldn't, unless he wanted bruised apples for food for the next four days.

He closed his eyes and adjusted his steel hat. "This is why Xena and Gabrielle always packed bread and cheese most of the time." he mumbled under his breath as he drifted off to sleep.

"It's lighter too!" a voice rang out in the stillness of the night. His eyes snapped open and looked around. But Joxer was no longer in the woods.

"Who's there?" he called out, clutching the bag close as his eyes darted around.

"And where in tartarus am I?" He looked around, finding his pants slowly getting moisted from the waves crashing against the shore line.

"Hey stud muffin." Said the same voice, followed by shower of pink lights.

Joxer gulped as Aphrodite appeared in front of him. He shuffled backwards. "I have...apples!" he warned. The goddess laughed, hands on her hips.

"Don't worry sugar buns, I won't zap you." She promised, then she sighed.

Joxer got up and dusted the sand off his pants. "How can I help...Oh...Mighty Aphropdite?"

Aprodite reached out and pinched Joxer's nose. "Oh you're so adorable. And since you asked...I'm looking for Discord."

Joxer stared at her blankly.

"You know? Short, bad fashion sense, big hair...?"

Aprodite made a sound of annoyance when Joxer shook his head with a shoulder shrug.

**Day Two**

Joxer woke up rudely with a squirt of water in his face, then felt a series of gentle slaps to the side of his face. He cracked open an eye, cautious, then his lips spreaded to a loop-sided grin.

"Heeeey Meg."

The face sneered back at him and grabbed him to an upright position by his chest armor.

"Oh hey, Xena," he laughed nervously. "Please don't kill me."

She released her hold on him and sighed. Behind her, Gabrielle sat restlessly on the ground, throwing sticks in various directions.

"Came to hang out eh, girls?" Joxer grinned, sensing Gabrielle's boredom. Then he turned to Xena. "You want me to take care of her for ya?" He wriggled his eyebrows, receiving a couple of sticks thrown into his direction.

"Ow!" He exclaimed, rubbing the spots where the sticks struck him.

"Xena is hell-bent on finding Ares." Gabrielle explained."Please tell me you have seen him."

"Does seeing him in my dreams count?" Joxer joked, keeping a poker face. Then he saw the expressions on the women's faces and regretted.

"Hmm. Bad joke." He muttered.

Xena grunted and stomped off, leaving Gabrielle to pick up after her. The blonde look to Joxer with an apologetic shrug.

"Hey, you know while you're here," Joxer called out after them and scrambled to his feet. "Wanna help me solve a mystery? There's a reward!"

Gabrielle turned around with her mouth opened.

"GABRIELLEEEE!" Xena bellowed.

"Can't help you there, buddy." Gabrielle smiled apologetically, giving him a pat on his back and hurried after Xena.

"Hey! Wait up!"

**Day Three**

So far, the closest thing to a clue that Joxer had found were chicken feathers. Maybe these chickens were smart, leaving feathers as a trail for their owners to follow. Or maybe it's a sign that they have been slaughetered for food. Either way, Joxer followed the "trail" marked by the feathers littered on the forest grounds.

He was walking around in circles, chewing on an apple, his eyes fixed onto the ground when he bumped into something hard. Not rock-hard, thankfully, but hard enough to knock him off his feet.

He sat up, shaking his head and rubbed his face. A blur of yellow and brown approached him. It squatted and held out a hand, pulling him to his feet.

"Are you alright, Joxer?" He asked.

"Hercules!" Joxer greeted, recognizing the familiar face. "Sorry, didn't see you there."

Then a head popped out from behind Hercules' back. "Blurred vision? Trouble seeing details? I have _just_ the right thing for you." Salmoneus said.

"These are called the...vision clearer!" Salmoneus continued before Joxer could get a word out. "You can put it on your face," he said, demonstrating. "Comes with different levels of clearness, depending on how much you need. Only fifty dinars each! Want one? Two? Maybe three?" He introduced, holding them out in front of Joxer. "I have different colors too."

Joxer sighed, pushing the merchandises back. "I have the eyes of the birds of prey!" He annnounced.

"Sure, if you're talking about the size of it." Salmoneus retorted, then smiled innocently when Joxer started with a comeback.

"What are you doing here, Joxer?" Hercules interrupted.

"I am helping the village of Agora!" He said, puffing out his chest. Hercules just looked at him curiously.

"The missing chickens," Joxer explained, pulling out the scroll from the side of his belt and showing what he has jotted down to the two men. "Haven't you heard?"

"Ah, right," Hercules said, "But please don't tell anyone I know about it. I'm absolutely trying to avoid gathering chickens."

Joxer leaned in and beckoned Hercules to inch closer. Then in a low voice, he said "Your secret is safe with me."

Hercules flashed a smile and pat him on the back. "Thank you Joxer. Have you, by any chance, seen Xena?" he asked, still crouched in the position.

"Oh, yes!" Joxer beamed. "They went..." he paused and pondered for a bit. "That way!" He pointed eastward.

"Wait, no!" He exclaimed as Hercules and Salmoneus turned into the direction. "That way," he said, pointing towards the route he came from. "Or...was it that way?" He said again, gesturing to the west, this time more to himself.

"I've been more focused on the trail of clues that will lead me to the chicken thief," Joxer admitted, then point west again. "But I'm pretty sure they went that way. I'd go with you, Hercules, but I have a thief to catch."

"That's okay, Joxer. We'll...find her ourselves." Hercules said. "Good luck with your...hunt."

Joxer scoffed and waved a hand. "Me? Luck? Joxer the Mighty doesn't need luck! He has his brains, and brawns!" He called out after them, then turned to continue his way, only to trip over a root.

"I'm okay!" He announced to no one in particular.

Joxer was positive that he was 2 hours away from the village of Agora when he heard a mess of clucks coming from another direction.

"Hmm..." he thought to himself, pressing his lips together and narrowing his eyes. "Maybe that's where they went!"

He started moving as quietly as he can towards the direction, his armor clanking together as he approached. There was an abandoned hut and chicken feathers that littered the ground was certainly more concentrated than the "trail" that he spotted.

"Don't worry chickens, Joxer the Mighty is going to save you." He said, gripping to the handle of his sword with both hands as he took cover behind a thick tree near the hut. Bracing himself, he drew in a deep breath and charged straight towards the hut, eyes closed. He let out an attempted war cry, only to alarm the chickens, sending the birds flying in a frenzy. Except chickens can't really fly, so they clucked loudly and raced around the premise.

There was a thud when Joxer's face fell against a standing pillar of the hut. Then it no longer stood after the collision, both him and the pillar fell away from each other and onto the ground.

Dust flew, chickens clucked and spreaded their wings. And then was a groan in the midst of the clucking. Joxer waved his sword in front of him frantically, as though to ward off anyone who tried to take advantage of his unfortunately position.

"JOXER!" a voice bellowed. Joxer froze in mid-action, then felt his sword snatched from his hands and a pair of strong hands pulled him to his feet.

"Please don't kill me!" He plead, eyes still closed. The person jerked him away and kicked at the ground.

Joxer slowly opened his eyes to a field of chickens-probably more than twenty of them-and a leather claded God of War.

"Ares?"

"Who else would look this good in leather?" He snarled. "Look what have you done!" He demanded, hands spread outwards to his sides in gesture to the mess.

"What would a God of War need with all these chickens?" Joxer stammered, adjusting his hat and armor.

Ares jerked around and stomped straight at Joxer. "Well," he started, a finger jamming at his chest plate at each word. "Your _friend_ Aphrodite thought it would be fun to switch Cupid's arrow for Artemis' and _screwed up my plans_! Now Discord is a chicken and I need to find out which one is her. AND YOU HAVE STARTLED THEM ALL!" He yelled. "I'm sure as tartarus I'm not going to round them up again. _You_ caused this. _You_ round them up."

Joxer backed away gingerly from Ares and licked his lips. "Well," he started. "If you wanted chickens, you could have just asked the villages. It _is_ rude to steal." He pointed out.

Ares growled and shook Joxer. Then with the arrow that was supposed to turn Discord back, he stabbed it into Joxer's shoulder. The man shrunk in front of his eyes and landed on four, turning into a puppy.

Ares let out a roar of laughter as he stared down at a now black and white furred Joxer. "Now _you_ will have to round up the chickens." He grinned, giving the puppy a gentle boot to its behind to set it going.

He had swore he won't need Aphrodite's help in turning Discord back before sundown on the third day. Now it looked like he will have to swallow his pride and call for her before this mischief reach Zeus' ears. Although, watching Joxer running around on four paws trying to gather the chickens into a make-shift coop was well worth it.


End file.
